A Toast to Singleness

Singleness seems to be a dirty word in today’s culture.  Being single means, at some levels that you are a loser incapable of finding true love.  If you are single, you are not trying hard enough to find that special one God has for you.  For much of my college career, I have allowed others to share these ‘words of wisdom’ with me.  And, by trusting their ‘advice,’ I began to consider myself as they saw me as a single man.  I considered myself a loser; I thought I was ugly.  At one point, I actually stripped naked and stood in front of a mirror and examined myself.  I was not happy with what I saw.  I was too fat.  I had pimples in my face and I was way too white (I was called ‘Casper, the pasty ghost’ in HS).  I am too short as well.  Girls like taller guys with bigger muscles than I could get.  The ‘tall, dark and handsome’ characteristics were not apart of this specimen.  I thought for a long time, that these ‘friends’ were right.  Perhaps they meant well.  Though, as I look back now, I have come to see all the relationships I missed out on simply because I believed something about myself that is not true.

Do not get me wrong.  I am no Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio.  I will never be on the cover of G.Q. or any of those ‘model’ magazines ladies pick up and read.  I am just your average guy.  A guy who is learning to be as Jesus was.  Singleness to me is not a curse placed upon people who are losers or morons.  Singleness is so much more than we would expect.   There are great blessings.

As a single guy, I have had more free time to do the things I want to do.  I am not ‘attached’ to someone.  I only have to worry about my own needs in respects to my time and where my efforts are given.  My dad works at Sunday Breakfast Rescue Mission.  If I ever want to go there on a whim and serve the men, I can go and not worry about it.  If I want to go to South Street and sit by the water and pray, I can do that as well.  I also maintain a positive bank account because I am able to save money and not spend it on some girl I am dating.  I can give my money to those who are in need and share my resources with others.  As a single, I am not stuck talking to someone on the phone for hours at a time.  In general, I am not a big talker on the phone anyway.  I would rather spend that time with people than putting an electronic cancer device to my ear and falling asleep while someone rambles on about something I am just not interested in.

On a more serious note though, being single has allowed me to grow in my relationship with the Lord.  1 Corinthians 7 says that we should not be seeking a wife if we are single.  Those who are single are able to serve the Lord alone while those who are married are divided in whom they serve because they are connected to a wife or a husband.  I used to hate those verses.  At a young age I wanted to be married.  I had dreams of having a family and growing old with my best friend.

I have a friend who writes in a journal to his ‘future wife.’  I find the whole ordeal strange because he does not know who she is at this point of his life.  He writes her though and shares with her (in this journal) that he is praying for her, whoever she is.  It is a nice thought I guess.

I used to meet people who said that it was cool to be single.  They even wore these blue shirts with white writing that said something like, “I am no fool.  Singleness is cool.”  That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen.  These people would go around advocating singleness.  I stopped one and asked them to share their thoughts and feelings about all of this because I was so confused.  This dude said something like, “I no longer struggle with the issue of singleness.  If I am meant to marry – that is great.  If not – that is great as well.”  I wish I could be like that guy.

I have dreams one day of being married.  Taking walks with my future wife.  We would talk and listen to one another.  We would learn how to love one another and love others.  I do not think my dream is wrong.  It is not foolish to consider these things and to pray that God will bring these things to pass.  It is foolish to believe however that the time spent in singleness is unimportant or uneventful.  It is wrong to think one is a loser or ugly solely based on looks.

There is a season for everything.

My season right now is being single.  For however long that might be I will continue to walk and grow in Christ.  God will prepare me for the next season in my life.  He will provide all my needs and prepare my heart to love whoever He has for me.  I am not always content but I know above all that God is in control of all things.  My hope lies in Him.  He has never let me down thus far and I know He never will.  With that in mind, I raise my glass and toast the season of singleness.


3 Responses to “A Toast to Singleness”

  1. Alma Says:

    Hi Pastor, (Am I right?)

    I agree that being single especially if you are a woma at your 30’s already is a big deal to everyone at this present era. I can’t imagine why? Some say it is because it’s good to see your children growing at you early age. Others say life is too short. And many say a woman at age 30 and above can hardly bear a child…hmm…All of them for me are myths!
    I don’t agree that if you get married at early stage in life, you will see your children growing while you are young. This can be refuted by their second proposition that life is too short.What if a wife died when giving birth to her first child, how could she see her child growing?Having a child is a gift of God, consider Sarah-the wife of Abraham-she gave birth to Isaac when she was 90, I hope my memory serves me right. My point here is that God is and will always be in control in our lives.

  2. david Says:

    Good post. I couldn’t really agree with you more about the strange and great “predicament” of singleness.

  3. Andrew Says:

    I appreciate this post because I can remember feeling all of this once. I felt it very strongly. I had the desire to be married and struggled with feeling unworthy of anyone. I hope that you can find strength outside yourself and that you can embrace your singleness and this “season.”

    However, perhaps it was meant to be tongue in cheek, but you seem to have some very backwards ideas of what being in a relationship is like. You seem to imply that being “attached” instantly inhibits your free time, drains your bank account, and forces you to listen to someone “ramble”. These are some pretty stereotypical and cliché assumptions about dating relationships.

    Firstly, I would assume that should you start dating someone, you would want her to have the same faith as you. I would also assume, then, that she would have no problem supporting you in serving at the Rescue Mission, or finding time to pray alone. To assume all women demand every second of your free time is certainly not true. I can assure you that there are women like this because, sadly, I dated one years ago. Should your girlfriend start to require your presence every moment, then this is a serious red flag and you need to discuss it immediately. It could be a sign of serious insecurity issues that have not been dealt with.

    Secondly, not all women will force you to take them shopping at Tiffany’s the first week of dating. Not all women will make you carry their shopping bags while they scout out the next place to max out your credit card. Again, this is another untrue cliché. Though it is true that when you enter into a relationship with someone, you may spend more on dinners and gifts, it should never be beyond what you’re able to spend. If you’re willing, discuss this with her. If you’re venturing into a relationship, it’s always wise to share concerns. When my wife and I first started dating, I came into the relationship spiritually crushed, emotionally damaged, and frightened to label us as “dating” because of a previous relationship. I discussed my concerns with her and it turned out to be a huge blessing. She couldn’t have been more understanding. If your girlfriend just can’t understand why you won’t drop $300 on a purse for her, that’s a major issue.

    Thirdly, though you might not enjoy talking on the phone, one should hope that you would be in a relationship where intelligent and meaningful conversation is important. No one wants to listen to someone ramble on about something boring and meaningless, girlfriend or not. Finding a connection intellectually is just as important as finding a connection emotionally and spiritually. If you’re bored to tears just listening to the person, that’s another red flag that should be addressed.

    I do believe God can work through single people. I don’t believe everyone NEEDS to get married. You’re certainly not alone in your struggle. But I don’t think it’s necessary or positive to validate your singleness by saying you’re better off alone because of the reasons you’ve stated. If God has you in this season, then that is all you need. Lean on that. Trust in that. Let your hope rest in Him.

    Blessings to you.

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